Post Number Forty-Four
Tuesday, May 3, 2011 at 09:14AM DREAD;)
Terry is finished with her chemotherapy. She is back to work full steam developing and promoting programs for the Lake Louise Christian Community. She feels good. Winter is finally over. Spring is breaking through. Why do I feel so anxious all of the time?
How can it be that life is both courageous and fearful at the same time? How can someone who believes themself to be a person of faith also find themself dreading the next scan or the next medical test? This is where I find myself in the present moment. It causes me to wonder and question my strength and my willingness to rely upon God. Am I the person of faith I thought myself to be?
Who knows what the next scan may reveal? For the moment things are good. What I have learned in this experience is that faith is not a commodity to be possessed as much as it is an attitude to be lived. There is room in the living of it to accomodate the full spectrum of my heart - joy, peace, fear and even dread. I am trying to make friends with all of these emotions and to accept them as the reality of my spirit. Faith has come to mean a trust in God that cannot be canceled by my momentary emotional reality. You may already know this. I can be a slow learner.
Dave Gladstone
Reader Comments (1)
I occasionally come to your blog to read some of your entries. I have read this one before and I wanted to tell you how much it speaks to me. As someone who lives with chronic major depression, I can have moments and days of anxious thoughts. It is the reality of my spirit, along with many other emotions of joy, contentment, etc. I like the idea that faith is trust that can't be wiped away by momentary emotional reality.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. God's blessings to you and Terry.