Post Number Fifty-One

Plodding Through Christmas

December 23, 2011 - Today I busied myself with our family traditions of Christmas.  I baked oatmeal bread.  We always have oatmeal bread.  This was Terry's specialty, but I knew I could do it. Embracing another tradition, I prepared the sweet refrigerated dough that tomorrow I will turn into Christmas morning coffee cake baked in the shape of a wreath. Terry taught me to do this years ago and it has been my thing now for years.  Terry's cousin, Rick, is visiting and together we finished wrapping presents and placeing them under the tree.  

In years past these activities served to enhance the anticipation and appreciation of the holiday to come.  Terry did her part.  I did mine. Together we were a team in charge of the family gathering and celebration.  It was a shared experience. This year the experience is solitary - even when there is someone here to help.  This year the experience feels heavy.  This year I am plodding through Christmas.

Christmas can be no other way for me this year.  I am not dreading the experience.  I will not abandon the holiday.  I can even imagine a future Christmas when joy returns and lightness fills my heart. But that cannot be this year.  I accept this reality, and that is why I bake and wrap and plan menus in defiance of my broken heart. This year I embrace these traditions and the hope and joy they represent as an act of will.  I have come to think of them as sacramental, a means of grace, a way for the Holy Spirit to find a way through my grief to heal my heart.  This year I am plodding my way through Christmas.

Dave Gladstone