Courage
On Friday afternoon I submitted my resume for consideration in the search for the new Executive Director of the Lake Louise Christian Community. I did so only after telling my District Superintendent that I would continue with my plans to retire from active appointment as an ordained elder in the Detroit Conference of the United Methodist Church. The previous Tuesday she told me that she needed to know my intentions because she was ready to appoint me to a new church if I wished to rescind my retirement and ask for an appointment.
Under my present circumstances foregoing retirement and taking a new church for another three or four years represented the familiar and comfortable direction. I know how to be a pastor. I am comfortable in the role. On Tuesday night I went for a walk down by the river under the Blue Water Bridge. It has become my place for prayerful contemplation. I thought about how a new appointment would be an easy way to fill up the time until I reach full retirement age. I thought about the hundreds of sermons already on file and how easy it would be to tweek them for a congregation that had never heard them. I thought about how much more money I would have in retirement if I would just stay with the status quo for a few more years and delay retirement for a while. I also thought about how risky it would be to apply for the position with the Lake Louise Christian Community being vacated by Vaughn Maatman. What if I retire as a pastor and apply for the position with Lake Louise and then someone else is selected? What if I am selected for the Lake Louise position and then I discover that I lack the skill needed for the position?
I walked along the edge of the river offering up this "What if..." kind of prayer. I stopped for a moment to watch as a late season freighter cruised under the bridge. Then I heard a voice within me call my name. I accept that it was the voice of God. The answer to my prayer came as a gentle scolding. "David. Terry would expect more courage from you than this." I returned home and called my District Superintendent and told her I would retire as planned and I would be applying for the position with Lake Louise. I also told her that no matter what the result I would be OK. On Friday I submitted my resume. Now I wait.
Readiness
Later on Friday I met for coffee with a friend who also lost her spouse. Her story is different from mine. Her husband died suddenly as a result of a fall accident while he was at work. She started a normal day three years ago and half way through the day her world was turned upside down. A few days later he was gone. Different circumstances. Same loss.
I told her the story of my struggle over staying in pastoral ministry or striking out in a new direction and of my coming to believe that courage and trust was the quality called for by my faith. I asked what learning had come to her in the terrible experience of loss that she suffered. She gave me a two word answer. "Be ready."
I think that the words that came to me,"courage and trust," and the learning she received, "Be ready." are two sides of the same coin of faith. Is not courage and trust justified if we are those who live with confidence in the love of God? Why is my spirit so timid if I truly expect that all things work for good for those who love the Lord? Likewise, why do I hesitate to answer God's call as though I have all the time in the world. Why do I waste a single day nurturing hurt and resentment when today may be my last chance to work for peace, reconciliation and hope.
Friday was quite a day. I let go of one direction and embraced another. I met with a friend who helped me see things more clearly. Its a beginning.